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NEO,
I don’t understand it. How come my girlfriends can be so quick to replace a man but I been single for 2 years and can’t seem to find one decent man to get with. They get mad trying to hook me up telling me I am too picky and I am alone because I want to be. Neo that is not true. The guys they deal with think that if they sex you good and give you money you should be happy and I need more than that. Plus most of them be out there doing that with a lot of women and nobody say nothing as long as they can get something out of these guys. They don’t understand what I mean when I say I need more. Do you? -REGINA

MY REPLY:
Of course I understand. I think the greatest fear of anyone who has truly loved and failed is that you could fail again. It’s easier for people who have lowered their standards to go through person after person because they really don’t have that far to fall. The relationships really weren’t worth much to begin with. All you got to do is look at online status feeds and you see people burn right through each other every other week putting their business online. The sad part is that they are usually that upset because they slept with the person. So when I notice the same person complaining then putting up a post seeking attention no sooner than that person’s shadow has disappeared, I know that is an individual who has not known real love. Because once you know love at that level, your heart won’t let you keep scraping the bottom of that barrel just to have a warm body next to you. Yes loneliness will tempt you to compromise but if you give in, you always feel bad about it. But this kind of behaviour is not loneliness, it is a desperate and codependent fear that your life is meaningless without someone in it, and that codependency usually comes from a very challenging childhood.

Your girlfriends see sex and money as a step up but you look at men from a standpoint of emotional security. That tells me at some point in your life, you discovered what it means to truly give yourself to somebody or had someone truly give them self to you. I don’t know how it went wrong, but somewhere, something was once right enough about it to make you recognize in your heart the kind of love you truly need and you just can’t settle for less than.

It’s even more difficult when you have matured beyond the friends you have grown up with and known all your life but you can’t afford to move out of the environment that breeds that way of thinking. You become a fish out of water in your own pond. All I can do is encourage you to keep being you. A lot of guys who make it to the other side of that way of thinking tend to look for a woman like you because you can relate to the journey. I have seen more than one situation where, right after a person compromises and lowers their standards, they run into someone perfect for them. I have even been on the other side of that with someone who I lost contact with and they were sick to their stomach when they found out I was single and they had married into a situation they knew was a total compromise. I believe in Karma so I wasn’t going to touch that situation. I had to totally withdraw out of respect for the relationship she chose.

I know tomorrow is not promised and nobody wants to age and die alone. So before you keep ruling out people because of the company they keep, keep in mind the company you also keep, yet you are blessed to know better. But would anybody know that when you are out with your girlfriends if they all act like what you described? Who knows if one of the guys is in the same situation as you, just keeping company with what they have known all their life. Even today, I know bruthas who will break real with me in a way they could never do in the normal company they keep. Nobody is saying you have to sleep with these guys, but don’t assume you know everything about where you live. You tend to learn more about your city when you are showing it to a stranger. Who knows what you will find by taking someone on a tour of your heart. -NEO BLAQNESS