NEO, If it is not too personal, can I ask you how you handle being single and not giving in to just wanting to have somebody close sometimes? I have to be honest, with my first baby I was young and dumb and thought I was in love but I didn’t know nothing about love. My second and third ones I was just lonely and got tired of waiting and got with men who satisfied my physical need for sex and attention. I am not proud of it because all of my baby daddies are losers. I knew it even before I slept with them but too much time by yourself can play with your mind. It sounds like you get a lot of offers no different than a single woman. How do you avoid making these mistakes?

-Carrissa

MY ANSWER: The answer is not an easy one Carrissa because I am still human and it is part of who we are to want someone close so it is nothing to be ashamed of that we struggle with being alone. As for how I deal with it, I exercise to take the tension off my body, throw myself into my work to occupy my time, and invest in the lives of friends, family, children, and my readers to occupy my emotions and to avoid loneliness.

As for lust and sexual desires, yes I am still a man and yes, at a distance, it is easy to let my imagination go and handle my business no different than anybody without a partner. But once it becomes personal, my heart takes over. I have never been a purely sexually motivated man. I was once with a woman much bigger than me whose last boyfriend before she turned gay was over twelve inches and when she told me she never had an orgasm with any man in her life it scared me. But when the time came for us to be together, she came as soon as we started kissing and then so many times when we made love that she lost count.

She had to move away to care for a family member. After trying to move on with her life dating other men, she chose to go back to being gay. She told me that once she had learned intimacy being with me, she couldn’t deal with anything less from a man. Likewise, I really can’t deal with anything less from a woman.

Intimacy is a hard thing to give up on once you know it. Whenever I hear or read about a woman talking about how gud her stuff is or what she can do with her body or how she wants to be sexed it totally turns me off. In fact there are some women I was even starting to enjoy talking to online but the shallow sexual things I saw them post on their profile shut it down quick.

And in a lot of ways I know it is not their fault because they don’t know any better. That is what they have been taught and that is what the majority of men respond to. But I am used to a level of intimacy that is so deep that a non sexual phone call leaves both people horny, a simple touch feels like intercourse, and a kiss can make you cum. People who talk about beatin it up just have no idea what that kind of love is. Bodies just naturally respond regardless of the size of the man or woman.

There is a difference when you break up with an intimate partner because it is easy to have sex with them at any time even when you are not together anymore. The same can be said of two friends that decide to become sexually involved without a commitment. You know each others’ hearts and where the limitations are. That is why some exes and friends are good lovers and safer than running the streets but that comes with its own complications too because if you were meant to be intimate, you would truly be together. Eventually those situations all end in drama or pain of some kind. So my answer is yes my body and mind goes through the same things as everyone else from being alone, but, my heart just won’t let me make those kinds of “mistakes” anymore. –NEO